Competition Part I: Sore Losing

I rage when I lose at fencing.  'Least, I used to.

Learning to deal with loss is an important part of maturing.  Bill Whittle has a good story on this from back in his baseball days, where a tough loss taught him a good amount of humility, how it drives people on to do better.  The "participant" culture youngsters now grow up in fill in that necessary pitfall.  There must be risk, else there is no tangible reward to pursue.

I don't like seeing anyone lose, including myself.  I'm more competitive than I'd feel comfortable admitting.  I always assume my opponent(s) mock and ridicule me behind their masks on the fencing strip, or from the silence of their comms in video games.  Can't tell you why I presume this; I simply know because it's what I feel.

For all the matches I've experienced, I haven't figured out how to separate the personal from the recreational.

Fencing and gaming are the two arenas I most clearly observe this issue of immaturity in my heart.  I've made a fool of myself on the strip because I thought that would egg me on to better performance.

Lol.

While I can't control how others choose to perceive me, or how they treat me, I can control how I act and react to situations.  I need humility.  The next time I face someone online or on the strip, I need to act humbly in victory and defeat.

Because I wish to be treated the same way by them.

Work Out 6-9-16

Worked out today.  Running, abs, arms.  Shoulder feels funny.  I can't let up, though.  Stagnation is really just falling behind.

School

I didn't take my studies as seriously or as rigorously as I could have. I stepped back from the "best" and the "brightest" and contented myself with just getting by. Out of shame, I wish I hadn't. But I'm starting to see where I was able to keep my independence through the four years I spent at college. I wasn't beholden to the university, or a professor, or the bottle (drinking is a near-ubiquitous pastime for grad students).

I wonder if the added ardor is the price I paid, that I had to pay, in order to retain my independence of mind. That's gotta be hard to do, trusting so many to aid you in your noble endeavors, that a few malicious compatriots slip through one's defenses and lead you astray. In an effort to stay totally individual, to not be any side's pawn, I shunned a lot of bad and a lot of good influences. Time will tell which outweighed the other.

Nope

Yesterday was very, VERY long.  Today was long, too.  One more day before the long weekend.  I swear I'll do more on days off.

Gym

Have worked out the last two days.  Maybe not exercising what I need to.  Definitely not enough.  But my goal for now is consistency.

Wednesdays are monstrously busy at work.  One day of overlap between our crews never feels like enough.  Will see if I can muster the will to work out once again.

Bad Relationships

One thing I’ve noticed about poor or abusive relationships is the victim regularly returns to their persecutor.  “He’s a great guy, but he picks all of these awful women to be his girlfriend,” or “She deserves better than him, but keeps going back.”

You can apply this same logic to harmful, hindering habits.  Why do we return to our useless addictions, our impeding distractions?  The truth is, we do this to ourselves.

I went to a small social the other night.  Someone proposed we head over to the bar, since it was Friday evening and most of them had a weekend to anticipate.  Of course it was a mistake for me.  I don’t drink.  I don’t socialize well with drinkers.  The person I impatiently stayed to meet showed up far later than I’d hoped.  I got dragged into billiards games I didn’t want to play.  Finally escaping that, I only had a little time to interact with friends, felt budged out of conversations, and the clock read some ungodly hour past my bedtime.  Finally, I gave up and drove home.

I know I’m a social pushover.  Visiting places like this does no good for me.  I’ve known this since late in college.  Why do I do it, anyway?  “Fear of missing out” consists plenty of it, sure.  But I’m also very, very gullible.  I have trouble saying “No” to people because I don’t want to piss them off.  I don’t want to burn bridges that don’t need burning.  By refusing to join them, I feel I’m betraying our friendship, that I’ll lose something I cannot recover, that I’m saying they’re wrong when they could be right.

Maybe it’s time I learned I’m not burning bridges.  I’m leaving them in favor of greener pastures.  I’m challenging their worldview with my own, different one.  I let their judgments of me dictate my behavior and mentality.  Their protests be darned; they don’t control me.

Where've You Been?!

Busy.  Very busy.  Personal work and work work dominates my schedule.  And I'm not letting myself get enough sleep.  The fencing class struggles to coordinate everyone's wonky schedules.  My year's goals aren't being met.  Getting little exercise.  I'm spreading myself too thinly over too many outlets.

I need to consolidate and condense myself before I move forward again.  There will always be more, no matter how much.

Becoming The Enemy

You would think you'd turn away from someone you loathe, but the opposite occurs.  The more you think of them, the more you become like them, and the more you think like them.  "You are what you put your time into," after all, and if you invest your time into overthinking another person (worse, an enemy), you will slowly transform into them.  Partially, anyways.

Of course, facing one's demons is vitally important.  It does no good to run away from something one must confront.  But obsession is the pit on the other side of that challenge.  Rumination is stagnation.

Deal with the problem, then move on.  One thing at a time.  Replace your mind's thoughts of sad history with a brighter future.

Stress

It is days like today that drive me up a wall and make me wonder how much I can actually get done in 24 hours.  I don't want to get into details.  Just know that HR issues are the worst issues, and being a supervisor isn't easy.

I've the problem of taking work home with me and not finishing it at the office.  On-call, I can't avoid, of course, but I don't push as hard as I should to wrap up job work as soon as possible.  Though my weekend's started, I'm going in tomorrow to tie loose ends, maybe get ahead of the game a bit.  But it's a lot of catch-up thanks to today.

Can't wait for a break.  I'm vacationing in a week and a half.  Will not think a bit about this.  And it will be glorious. :-D

Victorian Living

"Much of modern technology has become a collection of magic black boxes: Push a button and light happens, push another button and heat happens, and so on. The systems that dominate people's lives have become so opaque that few Americans have even the foggiest notion what makes most of the items they touch every day work — and trying to repair them would nullify the warranty.  The resources that went into making those items are treated as nothing more than a price tag to grumble about when the bills come due. Very few people actually watch those resources decreasing as they use them. It's impossible to watch fuel disappearing when it's burned in a power plant hundreds of miles away, and convenient to forget there's a connection."

http://www.vox.com/2015/9/9/9275611/victorian-era-life

Rumination

New word for me.  Fits perfectly.

Never ruminate.  Waste of time, energy, and brainpower.  Go do something instead.

Totally Wrong

"I'm ready," I said.  "I'm gonna tackle this," I told myself.

Wrecked.

Last two days have been chaotic.  14 hours yesterday, 12 today.  Thank goodness there's almost no drama; it's pure business.  But my workload at work and at home is increasing.  Dang taxes....

Happy Easter, by the way.

Exercise

Worked out yesterday and felt legitimately sore today.  Been frying fish for dinner the past couple days.  Made burritos for the week.  Got the hair cut and face shaved (need to do that more than once per month).  Going to bed before 10:00.

I'm ready.

Have some music.

Boredom

“For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.” – Romans 7:19, NIV

My definition of boredom is twofold, binary sides of the same coin: to not be interested in doing what we ought to do, and interested in doing something other than what we ought to do.  You could well argue the latter is the necessary continuation of the former, but I split the two because they both warrant separate examples.

You have a paper due tomorrow morning.  You don’t want to do it.  So you don’t.  But you can’t think of anything else to do, so you sit and stew for hours, scrounging your room, your phone, your Internet for something to do instead.  You still fail, giving up and pouting lackadaisically like Shinji unwilling to pilot his EVA unit.  Let’s call this “escaping.”

You need to eat lunch before you can begin afternoon work.  Instead of finishing your meal quickly, you plod along, watching another YouTube video, checking your e-mail for the twentieth time, finding excuses to replace your more urgent objective.  You’ll get to it, just not right now.  Let’s call this “stalling.”

30-some entries into this accountability project, I’ve done nothing but word my way out of doing work.  Because I’m bored.  I’m not passionate about anything anymore.  I immediately grow cynical when I’m the slightest bit excited about new projects and prospects.  I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel; I begin in the light and see only a dark, endless tunnel ahead, funneling my path into a restrictive, door-closing, narrow, specialized route.

The lost opportunities, even when sacrificed for a nobler goal, haunt me.  The unrealized unnerves me, stalls my action until I find a suitable escape.  I want it all, but I’ll never get it.

I am wasting my time.  I am in the prime of my youth and I am squandering it on worry, needless concern, and trivia.  I’m doing exactly what I planned to elude.

We’re all bored.  We all fall prey to it.  It takes leadership from people who do not succumb to boredom to inspire us to do what we ought to do.  Then we have hope.  With hope, there’s a brighter light at the end of that long, narrow tunnel.

Tradition

I’m constantly amazed and humbled at each aspect of my life able to be improved by some lesson my parents had me learn and internalize as a child.  Doing chores keeps a clean house (less clutter in the rooms).  Doing chores regularly forms a habit, a good habit at that, and makes the tasks easier (cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes, doing laundry).  Getting enough sleep (energy for the next day).  Going to bed at the same time each night (another good routine).  Doing homework completely and immediately (saves time, frees up free time).  Enjoying rewards after work is done (end days on a positive note, prioritization).  Not relying too heavily on technology (solving problems with own ability, experiencing more of the real world).  Treat others with kindness and courtesy (never know who you might make friends with, contacts will benefit you when you need them).  Ignore petty stuff (don’t get bogged down over minutiae, stay focused on important things).  Resort to logic, not name-calling (any argument is better refuted by stronger reason than harsher insults).

Traditionalist social conservatives get a lot of flack in this day and age for thinking “backwards.”  But most of their ideas, I’m finding, are more applicable than they get credit for.  The wonderful thing about them is their timeless, universal applicability.  The lessons my parents, teachers, pastors, and media taught me didn’t sink in until I experienced them for myself.  That experience is the most effective instruction because it directly affects one’s life.

The comforts of modern technology shield us physically and visually from the harsh realities our ancestors withstood.  Meaning those experiences do not penetrate our soft, contemporary bubbles to disturb us directly.  We've skipped the calculations and landed right to an "answer."  What college student actually starves today?  Who doesn’t have a free library card to utilize public computers and access the Internet?  Which news programs are we forced to listen to?

We have not embraced more freedom as time's plodded on.  We have traded liberty for security, and we may soon end up with neither.

Every Day

Each day is a one-time opportunity to make the most of our time.  It starts the night before when we choose to go to sleep.  It's ignited with what we have for breakfast and how we wake up.  It's continued throughout the day with every activity, what order we tackle our tasks in, how we perform, what we learn from them.  It slows down at dinner, the chance to reconvene and realign our efforts.  It ends going to bed with enough time to rejuvenate for the next day.

Our lives are day-long chapters that complete a whole story.  Manage every one like it's the most important chapter of your book.

Romance Is A Crutch

Those who know me closely know I have a deep-seated repulsion from romance.  Since a very young age, it has been private enemy #1 for me.

I've gotten cravings to search for a soul mate.  A natural instigation, probably, unavoidable until death.

My fear is that I need someone else in my life, a balancing force that must be human.  It would compromise my autonomy, my independence.  I would have to experiment and do things I know I would not like and subject myself to another person.  I do not want that responsibility; I do not want to place that responsibility on anyone else.  Don't help me out, unless I desperately ask for it.

My goals are my own and they should be completed strictly by myself.  I see romance as a challenge to overcome, not a prerequisite for success.

But celibacy is not achieved by pursuing singleness.  I am already single.  I always have been single.  Staying single is not an objective in and of itself.  It is a means to a different end.  I've imagined that end to be masterful specialization.  The extra time applied to alternative tasks over raising a family.

Of course this is not to bash wedded couples, marriage, romantic love, or sex.  This is a defense of only my own worldview, for myself.

What frustrates me is not knowing what's in store for me down the road.  I can pursue marriage, and end up woefully short of lifelong fulfillment.  I can pursue a different noble goal and avoid marriage, yet still have it creep up on me without my realization.  You don't choose whom you fall in love with.

I see that more as a curse than a blessing.

Discovery Vs. Routine

Which is better: to constantly try new things, or stick with what's efficient for you and apply your saved resources elsewhere?

From drinking to tattoos, there's a lot of stuff I simply refuse to try.  This allows me to save on money, time, and probably health so that I can put it towards things I know I want, such as audiobooks, games, and fencing gear.  I've tried a whole lot of different foods and drinks (sodas and juices) now that I have expendable income.  My Steam page reports and even 250 titles in my library.  Books line my shelves.  Netflix and Amazon have dozens of shows and films on my watchlist.  Without experimenting, I wouldn't have found most of the military documentaries I've engrossed myself with.

At some point, however, all that trying new things becomes too expensive to one's time and wallet.  A habit regulates one's resources more efficiently.  Routines stabilize and capitalize.  Waste is trimmed gradually.

This applies to my overall theme of "one thing at a time."  Discovery diverts attention away from a set goal, breaks the boredom growing inside a habit.  I argue it's often a short-sighted distraction from a long-term objective.

At the same time, acting at all (even on impulse) is necessary.  You've gotta just get up and do it.

It's important to break goals down into manageable chunks, day-by-day, task-by-task.  Too big, and they will daunt us into passivity.  Decreasing the daily scope allows time for that discovery amidst a set routine one knows will work.  There is always room for improvement, but it's imperative we don't trash what succeeds.

"Toddler Militia"

I'm diminishing what time I spend on the Internet and news sites, but this was too nuanced to ignore.

http://uverse.com/watch/h___60692587?ref=yfp

Sensationalism aside ("But I wanna try them NOW!", "The gun lobby"), I'm actually very torn on this issue.  Handguns operate differently from long rifles.  You have to try really hard to shift a rifle barrel from downrange to an unsafe target; but it doesn't take much to adjust the aim of a handgun to point at someone else.  In Arizona, you have to be 21 to purchase a pistol, but only 18 for a long rifle.  I took a friend to the range and she instantly agreed that was a good choice by the state.  The poor girl given a fully-automatic Uzi submachine gun (more of an oversized pistol than a rifle) who accidentally shot her rangemaster reinforces this.

I do believe it's ultimately up to the parents and children to responsibly and safely own and operate their firearms, whatever their firearms.  You can hand a toddler a handgun and they can use it safely, provided adequate supervision.  It can be done.  And using a long gun instead does not make you safer if the barrel is pointed in an unsafe direction.  Behavior is imperative.  I make this distinction strictly due to the erratic nature of sub-teen children, and the harder-to-control nature of handguns as opposed to long rifles.

May Iowa do what Iowa wants.  If I saw similar legislation in Arizona, I would vote against it for the reason stated above.

Mediocrity

Never settle. \o/

Productivity

I spend too much time writing.

This was in response to someone regarding productivity and the wage gap.  Enjoy.

-----

I'm aware the plural of anecdote is not evidence, and this would piss off a lot of people, but I have a theory I believe I can logically support based on what I've seen and experienced.  We're not actually more productive.  Yes, materially, we have way more stuff than before, and far simpler methods of acquiring said stuff.  But we, the people, are not advancing that productivity like we used to.

In any given field besides code-monkeying, you have to be stellar to get a decent-paying job.

I argue that the shifts in distribution of the current pie (which I agree concentrate near the top earners) are due to differences in productivity of individual workers: a few who work themselves to the bone innovating and coming up with new stuff; and the vast majority of average joes who are satisfied getting by with the bare minimum productivity.

I do not say effort.  I’m well aware there are individuals working round-the-clock at three jobs to make ends meet.  I contend the scarce resource of their time could be applied to alternative, more productive uses.

Look at the way we spend our time online: games, commenting, video streaming, Instagram, adult content.  And with the miracles of Wi-Fi and smart phones, it’s all in the palms of our hands.  Mobile, inexpensive, and virtually limitless.  And everyone’s got access to it all.

I have invested thousands of hours and dollars into video games over the course of my lifetime.  I have not received zero return on that investment, no, but it does not compare to the productivity I could have generated if I had used those resources in nearly any other way.  What wealth have I actually produced?  What more could I have produced instead?  What process have I made more efficient?  What product have I invented that did not exist previously?

At the mine, what do I do to earn my paycheck, to increase wealth for the corporation, to increase my own compensation?  Why don’t I study some of the blastholes getting sent to the leach pads, to determine what effect acid-consuming material has on the acid-leaching process, and come up with a solution that reduces the cost of our process?  Why don’t I study the fuel efficiency of our haul trucks, and what speed is ideal for haulage costs, to save time and money on refueling?  I don’t.  But I could and I should.

I use myself as an example to show I’m part of the problem I’m diagnosing.

I’d love to find out what the range of college degrees are today, what percentage are in the hard sciences and engineering, what percentage are in the trades like plumbing and electrician work, and what percentage are in “_____ Studies.”  I’d love to compare those percentages today with those from the 1950’s.  Not to say those last degrees are unimportant, but they do not create the same amount of wealth that other majors do.  In other words, they are not as productive.

My point is you have to look at this stuff specifically, on an individual level.  The general trends are imperative, yes, but there are hundreds of millions of factors feeding that result, many of which could be harboring (hiding) a necessary (if insufficient) cause.

Regret

"Treat your past as a book that you learn from instead of a hammer that you beat yourself up about."
- Bill Whittle

Don't Leave Things Undone

Today, I wrote a script, voiced it, and got the project ready in Sony Movie Studio.  Then I sat there for a second, on the verge of working on the project, but chose to close it and do other stuff for the evening.

Distractions are so powerful.  The infinity of the Internet beckons too unyieldingly.  How can one focus amidst that intimidating efficiency and eternity?

It's just gotta be done.  No multitasking.  One thing at a time.  Every moment of every day.  To not win does not mean to lose; to not try is to lose.  Start from nothing and keep working your way up.  The only limit is the one under you, at zero.

Saying But Not Doing

I hope a common theme surfaces with these blogs by now.

I think, fantasize, dream, and talk a lot.  But I don't do it.  I rarely follow through anymore.  When I do, it's way past my original deadline.  I must get some weird kick out of promising a thing, then not doing it, 'cause I've been doing this (no pun intended) for many years.

Finished XCOM 2 today.  Murdered my last three days like it did half my squad on Saturday.  It was fun, and now that I've completed the campaign, I can remove it from my hard drive until the DLC comes out on a sale this winter.

That's how it should be.

Focus, and finish.  One thing at a time.  Every waking moment.  Only way to get stuff done.

XCOM 2

Curse you.  Curse you....

Flippin' Easy mode without Ironman and I struggle.

This game is tough, man.  Dark Souls level of tough.