Negativity

Tonight, I failed.

Instead of working out, I stayed in and watched the special features on "Mr. Robot."  Instead of eating kiwis and grilled cheese, I gobbled down an entire pizza.

I did do a couple things right: I started a few dishes and added water for the lizard I watch.  I'm also getting to bed at 9:00, which vastly outsleeps 11:00+.

To attend to the topic, YouTube is my ultimate distraction.  I have mastered the subtle art of searching for videos to watch that I will loathe.  Usually, it's updates to popular users I disagree with and would never dare subscribe to.  Tonight, it was looking up any recent college-level protests on a campus somewhere.

The search engine gods didn't disappoint.  I dove into the Ithaca College fiasco from Oct./Nov. of last year.

Why do I do this to myself?  All's well and good in pursuing viewpoints different from one's beliefs, but I do this deliberately for some reason.  To mock, in my head and in my room.  To respond, trollingly and shamelessly.  To exhaust, completely and addictively (oughta be a word).

This isn't healthy for me.

As great as it is realigning my moral compass in the precise opposite direction of the majority of the behavior I witness, it doesn't assist me in accomplishing anything.  I fear evolving into a "guiltless" zealot, but I also fear downgrading to a petulant curmudgeon (though the latter's certainly more appealing).

So, a new goal: no more searching out negativity.  I know enough of what I like to keep me satisfactorily entertained for a long, long time.  I have podcasts and audiobooks to listen to.  I have gaming channels to humor me during meals.  I have anime to catch up on, always.  Reality beckons, and I'm finally answering the call.

I can't invest my time and attention into everything.  This must be cut.  Period.