Those who know me closely know I have a deep-seated repulsion from romance. Since a very young age, it has been private enemy #1 for me.
I've gotten cravings to search for a soul mate. A natural instigation, probably, unavoidable until death.
My fear is that I need someone else in my life, a balancing force that must be human. It would compromise my autonomy, my independence. I would have to experiment and do things I know I would not like and subject myself to another person. I do not want that responsibility; I do not want to place that responsibility on anyone else. Don't help me out, unless I desperately ask for it.
My goals are my own and they should be completed strictly by myself. I see romance as a challenge to overcome, not a prerequisite for success.
But celibacy is not achieved by pursuing singleness. I am already single. I always have been single. Staying single is not an objective in and of itself. It is a means to a different end. I've imagined that end to be masterful specialization. The extra time applied to alternative tasks over raising a family.
Of course this is not to bash wedded couples, marriage, romantic love, or sex. This is a defense of only my own worldview, for myself.
What frustrates me is not knowing what's in store for me down the road. I can pursue marriage, and end up woefully short of lifelong fulfillment. I can pursue a different noble goal and avoid marriage, yet still have it creep up on me without my realization. You don't choose whom you fall in love with.
I see that more as a curse than a blessing.
Should your desires for a soulmate fail to subsist might I suggest... a dakimakara?
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though I have evolved past my high school desires for a partner being largely physical, and am also primarily concerned with the concept of a companion. The main question for myself at this point is whether I need a "partner" or whether that role can simply be fulfilled by having a number of friends to relieve myself of the isolation with which I am probably more comfortable than most, but that I like most can not be content to live in entirely.