Competition Part I: Sore Losing

I rage when I lose at fencing.  'Least, I used to.

Learning to deal with loss is an important part of maturing.  Bill Whittle has a good story on this from back in his baseball days, where a tough loss taught him a good amount of humility, how it drives people on to do better.  The "participant" culture youngsters now grow up in fill in that necessary pitfall.  There must be risk, else there is no tangible reward to pursue.

I don't like seeing anyone lose, including myself.  I'm more competitive than I'd feel comfortable admitting.  I always assume my opponent(s) mock and ridicule me behind their masks on the fencing strip, or from the silence of their comms in video games.  Can't tell you why I presume this; I simply know because it's what I feel.

For all the matches I've experienced, I haven't figured out how to separate the personal from the recreational.

Fencing and gaming are the two arenas I most clearly observe this issue of immaturity in my heart.  I've made a fool of myself on the strip because I thought that would egg me on to better performance.

Lol.

While I can't control how others choose to perceive me, or how they treat me, I can control how I act and react to situations.  I need humility.  The next time I face someone online or on the strip, I need to act humbly in victory and defeat.

Because I wish to be treated the same way by them.

Work Out 6-9-16

Worked out today.  Running, abs, arms.  Shoulder feels funny.  I can't let up, though.  Stagnation is really just falling behind.

School

I didn't take my studies as seriously or as rigorously as I could have. I stepped back from the "best" and the "brightest" and contented myself with just getting by. Out of shame, I wish I hadn't. But I'm starting to see where I was able to keep my independence through the four years I spent at college. I wasn't beholden to the university, or a professor, or the bottle (drinking is a near-ubiquitous pastime for grad students).

I wonder if the added ardor is the price I paid, that I had to pay, in order to retain my independence of mind. That's gotta be hard to do, trusting so many to aid you in your noble endeavors, that a few malicious compatriots slip through one's defenses and lead you astray. In an effort to stay totally individual, to not be any side's pawn, I shunned a lot of bad and a lot of good influences. Time will tell which outweighed the other.

Nope

Yesterday was very, VERY long.  Today was long, too.  One more day before the long weekend.  I swear I'll do more on days off.

Gym

Have worked out the last two days.  Maybe not exercising what I need to.  Definitely not enough.  But my goal for now is consistency.

Wednesdays are monstrously busy at work.  One day of overlap between our crews never feels like enough.  Will see if I can muster the will to work out once again.

Bad Relationships

One thing I’ve noticed about poor or abusive relationships is the victim regularly returns to their persecutor.  “He’s a great guy, but he picks all of these awful women to be his girlfriend,” or “She deserves better than him, but keeps going back.”

You can apply this same logic to harmful, hindering habits.  Why do we return to our useless addictions, our impeding distractions?  The truth is, we do this to ourselves.

I went to a small social the other night.  Someone proposed we head over to the bar, since it was Friday evening and most of them had a weekend to anticipate.  Of course it was a mistake for me.  I don’t drink.  I don’t socialize well with drinkers.  The person I impatiently stayed to meet showed up far later than I’d hoped.  I got dragged into billiards games I didn’t want to play.  Finally escaping that, I only had a little time to interact with friends, felt budged out of conversations, and the clock read some ungodly hour past my bedtime.  Finally, I gave up and drove home.

I know I’m a social pushover.  Visiting places like this does no good for me.  I’ve known this since late in college.  Why do I do it, anyway?  “Fear of missing out” consists plenty of it, sure.  But I’m also very, very gullible.  I have trouble saying “No” to people because I don’t want to piss them off.  I don’t want to burn bridges that don’t need burning.  By refusing to join them, I feel I’m betraying our friendship, that I’ll lose something I cannot recover, that I’m saying they’re wrong when they could be right.

Maybe it’s time I learned I’m not burning bridges.  I’m leaving them in favor of greener pastures.  I’m challenging their worldview with my own, different one.  I let their judgments of me dictate my behavior and mentality.  Their protests be darned; they don’t control me.

Where've You Been?!

Busy.  Very busy.  Personal work and work work dominates my schedule.  And I'm not letting myself get enough sleep.  The fencing class struggles to coordinate everyone's wonky schedules.  My year's goals aren't being met.  Getting little exercise.  I'm spreading myself too thinly over too many outlets.

I need to consolidate and condense myself before I move forward again.  There will always be more, no matter how much.